21 Sep 2007

The Keith Spot

I sort of figured that Keith hadn’t read the last Dispatch. Normally, if I say something he doesn’t like, I get a barbed comment by return email, but this time nothing.

I was sure he hadn’t read the Dispatch when he invited me to dinner and overnight in his new house last week. Keith’s a gourmet chef so the food was wonderful. The new house (actually a contemporary renovation of a four hundred year old timber framed building in Herefordshire) is absolutely STUNNING – in my top five of buildings I’ve seen this year. Old Grumpy was in remarkably good form. I told a joke he actually laughed at and he didn’t once try to convince me that we all really deep down inside would love to have the Queen as our leader. The lovely Ali (Keith’s wife and, therefore, by definition The Strongest And Saintliest Woman On Planet Earth) was there. The wine and conversation were flowing… 

My curiosity finally got the better of me. Just as we were retiring I asked, I thought inconspicuously at the time, if he’d happened to read the last Dispatch.

‘No,’ he said, returning to his usual form. ‘Why, did you say anything nasty about me?’ I pretended not to hear. 

By breakfast next morning Keith had read the Dispatch. You can tell when Old Grumpy has the hump – he’s like a human air conditioning unit, the temperature in the room drops eleven degrees. I spent the rest of the day making nice.

Eventually, I managed to warm him up a little. I pointed out that I could have mentioned in the last Dispatch but didn’t that he actually travels at all times with two sat navs in his car (this is the absolute gods honest truth) because he always assumes that one of them is lying. Once, when both sat navs announced simultaneously ‘do not under any circumstances continue on this highway into the totally deserted oblivion because the road ahead is blocked’ and he ignored them because he thought they were both lying and it turned out they were telling the truth so he accused them of a conspiracy and what happened after was the stuff of legend... Well, what goes on the road, stays on the road.

Anyway, Keith acknowledges that even though the last Dispatch was tongue in cheek, exaggerated and intended to not really offend, people might get the idea about him and has demanded right of reply. Can’t wait to see what he says.  I’ll bet it goes something along the lines of  
Dear Garry
You were working as a waiter in a cocktail bar. When I met you. I picked up and put you where you are now: presenting Worlds Ultimate Garage Conversions for Discovery Sub Prime. The Discovery people said you were infomercial material, but I gave them one of my world famous snarls and you got the gig, you ungrateful *****. If it weren't for me you'd be doing sat nav voice overs... etc., etc.

He’ll probably say something about me forgetting my lines, and that I'm a poor man's version of Richard Bacon (Keith, you'll probably find that Richard isn't famous for remembering his lines - remembering to do his lines is what made him a household name).

I just hate myself for having fun at this poor girl's expense. But then I tell myself that maybe I'm doing her a favour in a tough love way.



See how many thinks you can get this little fella to do http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

Save energy. My friend Criona says it's really legit. It takes a bit of getting used to, but i'm now into it.


This skit by D Generation is the original and oft ripped off:


F.A.B. kittens. 

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