15 Oct 2007

I have it on the most excellent authority that, in the face of complaints that the various tribunals into planning and corruption were costing a fortune and going nowhere fast, but at the same time fearing the outcry which would ensue if they tried to bring the tribunals to a sudden end, former Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell, made it a demand of his PD party’s remaining in government after the last general election that Tribunal Justices Mahon, Moriarty, et al be replaced by… Judge Judy.

Absolute Fact.

McDowell’s argument went like this: although Judge Judy is said to gross an average $30mill a year for being the separated-at-birth identical twin of Anne Robinson (seriously, here’s the proof - I’ve been told that both these botoxed masses of obnoxiousness have separately instructed their plastic surgeons to have some curious birthmarks removed from their scalps, but those 666s just keep coming back) if she were able to sort out the tribunal mess within, say, 10 x 25 minute episodes maximum, the cost to the tax payer – less than $2mill – would still compare very well with the €32bill we’ve already spent on these hearing thingies where old men on zimmer frames are encouraged to mumble allegedly controversial anecdotes into the court record so that they can later be reenacted on ‘quick,-a-guest-fell-ill’ radio talk shows (incidentally, if we have to have reenactments, why can’t Rosenstock do them? It wouldn’t make them anymore relevant to people under the age of sixty five, but at least we’d be entertained.)

You have no idea how close McDowell’s plan came to succeeding. But fate has a way of scuppering the stratagems of even the most self righteous schemers. This is how the whole thing panned out: at a secret Cabinet meeting called to discuss the Judge Judy nomination, the mood seemed to be swinging very much in favour of the McDowell proposal.

However, as time went on, one can’t-be-named Minister began to look decidedly uncomfortable and started shifting around in his chair. Asked by the Teesh if there was something he’d like to share, the Minister was finally forced to concede that following an incident in a Limerick bar not too long ago he now found himself in Judge Judy’s bad books.

The Teesh suggested that given the overall benefits of the Judy plan, the Minister concerned might consider his own position. But the disproportionately mustachioed member of the Oireachtas reminded Bertie of how he had gone out on a limb for his leader with his ‘cabinet takes collective responsibility for all decisions’ spin on the Aer Lingus/Shannon situation. Checkmate. The cabinet reluctantly dropped the Judy plan.

Which was very lucky for the Teesh. Because what he didn’t know was that McDowell had ulterior motives. Acting on information passed on to him from fellow members of the Illuminati, McDowell was aware of some covert work Judy had done in bringing about the downfall of another disgraced world leader.

Michael’s cunning plan was to make sure Judy worked the same magic on the Teesh and rid us of Bertie for good.

But that’s not all.

As it happens there is an alternative and highly credible version of events circulating around the blogosphere suggesting why Judge Judy didn’t get the Tribunal gig. Some informed sources are saying the decision had more to do with an embarrassingly unsuccessful dress rehearsal for an ‘Ireland: The Tribunals’ pilot show in which the Teesh and Celia Larkin were less than convincing before a very on form Judy.

Comments are closed.