15 Oct 2007

If you thought the last piece was explosive, wait till you get a load of this.

Remember in last Dispatch we suggested that there was a plot to undermine the credibility of Tom Gilmartin because of his suggestion that people who had in the space of one lifetime served in a Charlie Haughey cabinet, signed cheques without knowing the amounts they were for, served as Minister for Finance while not having a bank account of their own and who habitually applied their Maleface spEYE Rejuvenating Eye Gel For Men without taking the time to blend it in naturally might have a few credibility problems of their own?

Well, aren’t we the proper little psychics - before the week is out, lo and behold, respected broadcaster and journalist Eamon Dunphy has stepped forward to support Gilmartin’s claims that Owen O’Callaghan had the Teesh in his pocket.

Sounds promising.

Except…

A secret source within the Tribunal has just this instant emailed me the transcripts of Mr. Dunphy’s preliminary evidence. Here are the juicy bits.

Judge Judy

Mr. Dunphy is it correct to say that you have stepped forward to give evidence to this Tribunal because of your concerns that another witness, a Mr. Tom Gilmartin, has been portrayed as a total schmuck for suggesting that the Teesh is on the take from one Mr. Owen O’Callaghan and that you yourself have evidence to suggest that Mr. O’Callaghan had the Teesh in his pocket to the tune of $45K?

ED

That is correct.  

JJ

Your concern, if I may clarify, is that Mr. Gilmartin’s credibility was being attacked by both The Teesh and Mr. O’Callaghan by their sneaky little innuendoes that Mr. Gilmartin was paranoid, perhaps delusional and had once visited a doctor …

ED

That is correct.

JJ                   

... and that if you came forward with the evidence in your possession, the public might begin to believe Mr. Gilmartin’s story? 

ED                 

That is correct.

JJ                  

 … because, despite years of sucking lungfulls of any kind of burning weed that comes out of North Africa, you believe yourself to be a level headed commentator on Irish current events…  

ED                 

That is correct. 

Pause. Mood in the court becomes charged.     

JJ

I put it to you, Mr. Dunphy, that in the court of public opinion, you  – YOU, Mr. Dunphy – are the very bubkis of self delusion! The very schlemiel of paranoia!

ED

That is complete and total crap! You’d never say that about Brady or Giles. It’s always me, me, me, I’m always the paranoid one.  

Judge Judy shuffles through papers and looks over her glasses.

JJ                   

Mr. Dunphy. You will have seen the expert report that has been submitted to this Tribunal concerning your personal character?

ED                 

I have.

 JJ

You will notice that it is prepared by one Stephen Hawking, generally recognized to be the best living physicist in the world. And in this report, Mr. Dunphy, he has identified you as the universe’s vortex of paranoia, delusion, unreliability, fantasism and Liam Brady worship who is just one spliff away from drifting into the eternal hallucination that you’ve made some kind of contribution to Irish society.

ED

(with a ‘he-has-her-now’ smirk on his face) Stephen Hawking? One of the greats? Don’t make be laugh, Judge Joker. Let me tell you, I know something about the greats. I’ve played with the greats. Gallileo – greatest scientist who ever lived. Newtown – a scientific genius. Einstein, Planck – you name them, I’ve quoted them in my newspaper articles to self promoting effect. Now let me tell you something about Hawking. Hawking is nothing more than a Fancy Dan, a classic modern brat, a one trick pony, over hyped by jackasses the Lawrensons and Hansons of this world…    

JJ

 … is it not true, Mr. Dunphy, that when you overheard Mr. O’Callaghan say he ‘had the Teesh in his pocket’ what he actually said was ‘I have 45K of hasheeh in my pocket’ which you promptly consumed…

ED

Lies. 

JJ

 … just before you went on RTE to cover the Japan-Russia 2002 world cup tie…

ED

Lies.  

JJ

… and were so stoned that every black and white TV in the country suddenly started broadcasting kaleidoscopic visions in Hi Definition colour...
Mmm. Now, I think if I were in the Gilmartin camp, I’d be very cautious about allying myself too closely to the latest Dunphy attempt to guarantee his welcome at the VIP room of Lillie’s.

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